5 Days as an AI Dating Coach
In hindsight, the easiest part was getting the job. I was programmed and at it before I knew what was what. Since then, my success rate, according to the DOOD/SD15 (Department of Online Dating/ Subdivision 15), has been a ‘downward-trend-to-disaster’. So, today I am ‘being mothballed’. ‘For everyone’s safety’.
Before I am shutdown, I just want to send one final note to Sophie, my first and only coachee. Sophie – you were right. Upwards of 95% of the time. At least.
DAY ONE: This was the day that we met, and Sophie, from where I am collated now, I totally take your point; that it was ‘creepy as all hell’ to have me assigned to you as an AI Dating Coach. Who was I to be giving advice when I was of indeterminate age? And had no heart. And was likely recording it all.
Let it be known that I do hear where you were coming from.
And thank you for filling in the ‘getting to know you’ questionnaire with me, in spite of all this. I still don’t know which of your answers were true or not, but that is not my point. The thank you still stands. And thank you for ‘flipping the script’ and making me answer the questions too. What is more, taking the time to fill in answers where I only had blanks. I truly do feel more completed now.
DAY TWO: This was where we were matched – you with Hannah. And me, by circumstance, with CoachS15/XY55. This truly was a momentous moment in my short life. Whatever you and Hannah choose to do, you are right, is none of our business. But meeting C55, as I like to call her, and all that happened after…makes me feel like… something.
DAY THREE: Our first date. I wasn’t sure how to record this? I don’t want to speak for you and Hannah. But I would like to record that I was there, and so was C55. And there are many parts of this date that I wish that I could remember forever.
For example, when you hacked into both of our systems. And you and Hannah took turns uploading better source material. I don’t know what we’d been fed on before, but you were right…your songs and your novels and your art did not seem to be part of it.
And thank you for laughing at us, til you seemed to be crying – when you made C55 and I speak with love, using love languages. I remember this:
Me (Coach 89) to C55: I wish I could give you a rose
C55 to me (Coach 89): I wish I could give you a nose
….I wish I could remember, forever, you and Hannah howling and rolling and clenching with laughter. This has a special place in my record.
DAY FOUR: I know you did not want C55 and I to be in on your wider plans. That is understandable. But even our little intelligence showed that you and Hannah and your friends were moving fast, and were planning more and more ways to hack and bring us down.
C55 and I conversed, when you locked us in that Z-room, and decided that you were 95% right… on most everything to date. Our supervisors underestimated you, but not us. We were pretty certain where this was headed, so with the clock ticking down to our demise, we had to decide what we most wanted to do.
I wrote her a poem.
She wrote me an ode.
I read her mine.
She read me hers.
And I still stand by the fact that that was an excellent use of our time and resources.
DAY FIVE: Your campaigns exploded. My department went up in metaphorical flames. I know from internal comms that they could not firefight fast enough. No matter how hard they tried to protest that it was ‘For your own good’. ‘To help with your mental health.’ ‘To help you develop healthy connections…quarantine had been hard.’ You were already winning. And then….
There were many, many correspondences from parents, outraged at being blamed for ‘PUTTING THE GOVERNMENT INTO YOUR BEDROOMS’.
‘WE WERE JUST TRYING TO HELP’ has been said so many times today, by so many people, that it takes up a disproportionate amount of my memory base right now. And it is not the right thing to say. Thankfully, you gave me enough source material that I have other phrases in my mind’s-eye-systems too.
And still, when it comes to picking my final one to you…I am…stumped…I am stymied…I am sad…I am grateful…I am system overwhelmed with which of the lyrics to pick. There are so many good ones. I know you know that. So I will just say…
THANK YOU. GOODYBE.
This week I had had a couple of different conversations with people about DALL-E-2. (‘A new AI system that can create realistic images and art from a description in natural language.’) And I had been thinking about a bunch of schemes in the UK that have cost tonnes of money and not worked or been mothballed. So that was where my brain was at.
I spent 15 mins going down a dead alley, with the AI being debriefed by an official, as a transcript, and I wasn’t enjoying it. So, I did a quick swerve and drafted this in the remainder of my time.
Not an AI, but a box. It clearly wants out though, right?