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10 Record Attempts

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ONE

In Chelsea, a 22-year-old man went without breathing for 24 days. He beat David Blaine. He beat the devil. He beat a stuffed aardvark in the local museum. Then judges declared him DISQUALIFIED. The grounds?

‘He’s a plant, not a person!’

‘Photosynthesis is cheating!’

It sucks to be green.

 

TWO

The record-breaking attempt for eating hotdogs was one thing. The attempt for eating hotdogs with mustard was quite another. War broke out between the English and the French. Whose mustard presented the greatest challenge? The Channel turned red with the fighting. Until mustard was banned, in favour of ketchup.

 

THREE

The Alsatian dreamed of taking the record. She chased it in her sleep, like a Spaniel pursuing a rabbit, or a Labrador thundering after a ball. She tasted it on her tongue…the denim-clad butt of another bad guy. Drag four more to the ground and she’d be Top Dog.

 

FOUR:

No one had ever set a record for Most Divorces. Was she too late to start? She was starting the clock at fifty years of age. But at least she had one husband to start with. And she was good at buying and returning shoes, even after wear. YES.

 

FIVE

Xena hadn’t won a certificate since she was nine. (For Best Helper.) She was twenty. It was time to leave a mark. So, she asked ChatGPT…What’s the easiest world record to go after?

Fastest time to assemble a standard jigsaw. 16 seconds.

Really?

She’d rather set one on fire.

 

SIX

The Angel of Human World Records pulled out her notebook.

“The newest additions….

Longest fingernails on a pair of hands.

Largest collection of rubber ducks.

Most snails on the face.

Longest time balancing a lawnmower on the chin.

Most apples crushed with a bicep.”

God said, “Are we ok?”

 

SEVEN

The seven deadly sins were duking it out, each wanting to lure more humans into their traps.

Each was clever. And each was deadly.

But Sloth (the veritable tortoise in this race) made the winning play….

“Hey, Gluttony. Want to team up? Split the points.”

Result. A winning combination.

 

EIGHT

Sure, most people set goals in January, and it was June. But as soon as she saw his name, Lyla knew that she had to take him down.

The target in question…Skipper Voss.

The record….49 backflips, without pause.

This would be the ultimate way to flip a guy off.

 

NINE

“We’re stopping proceedings! It’s no longer safe!”

“Noooooooooo!” the croc wrestler groaned. He was red in the face, but his fingers had turned white. “I’ve got him!”

The croc, whipped its tail again, prised its jaws open, and set a new World Record….

Most people eaten within 5 minutes.

 

TEN

“Ummmm……no. It will incentivise bad performance.”

“What are you saying?”

“You’ll be too lenient.”

The judge clasped her clipboard to her chest. It wasn’t fair. Everyone else set records for what they were best at. She was a judge. She should get the record for judging…the most records set.

Week 49

I've tried 100 word stories. And 200 words stories. For week 49, I wanted to see if I could write stories in 49 words. (So they are each 49 words exactly. Connected to the theme of World Records.)

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